ORGANIZING LIGHT
Book X: There She Goes
She sat across the table from me and there were fireflies in her eyes. The world was bigger then, too big. I was so smitten that I can’t begin to feel it anymore when I think back. It’s a matter of knowing there will be disappointment again and again and yet I continue, like a walk in a desert that will only end when your body gives out for the last time. I felt so angry and all I can think to myself, in my most private moments, is that it’s just a matter of time before I’m there again walking to gallows made of dust. I wanted so badly to be decent folk. I worked, I tried love a few times…I even almost bled out once. Now it’s all just business until I’m pulled away from this suit of flesh and taken back to what we are; to the source. I suppose the real issue is that I’m not supposed to remember how things could be and yet here I am, remembering. I see my mother’s face when she was a little girl, before I could have ever even seen, before time drew lines across her face and made her much worse than I could ever be which is a feat when you’ve done it all before. I see that she trembled the same way then as she does now when anyone says her father’s name. I see the first time I felt good, many years later when buildings came and fell. There are buildings and trees everywhere so I’ll never smarten up and call it quits as there’s too much work to do.
Every year the cherry blossoms come and fall and they’re beyond anything I could ever say was beautiful until they’re gone and suddenly another year has slipped by and part of me wants to die again. I’m at a restaurant now. Every piece of dinnerware is cold to the touch - there’s fish I’ve never seen alive on my plate so for all I know this is just part of the simulation everyone keeps talking about, but she takes another bite and smiles and I’m content for now. Why am I here again? Why have I kept up? Why do I insist upon taking care of every single person that stumbles into my periphery? My friend’s mom told me all those years ago that it was always her son that got fucked by the world because one day he woke up and his body didn’t work anymore. That I was just as guilty. I remember the day I packed the car and never even looked in my rearview until they disappeared forever and I haven’t heard their voices since, even in my worst dreams. I remember how her face looked when she said it, even though it was on the phone and I saw nothing, I just knew. It haunts me like being awake does, like becoming conscious did. It brought me to the truth of the matter, the only truth, really:
I just want someone to sacrifice something, anything…for me.